Tweets

(JoeMande):

They can't figure out the cause of the oil spill? I bet it has something to do with that giant...

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(BorowitzReport):

Oldest woman, 114, dies. Her last words: "Who the fuck is Justin Beiber?"

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(ZippyBippy):

My dog just farted, turned his back 2 me in bed & is snoring like a buzzsaw. Guess I can...

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(Sween):

You hold a door open for an old lady and you're a hero. You smell her hair as she walks past and...

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17

(Someecards):

I'm confident you'll succeed at any job that doesn't require drug testing.

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(Yuckybot):

People who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still update their...

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(Jmabell):

Turned on TV and heard people talking about grinding, pumping & hole filling. Sadly, it was...

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6

(Thebosha):

People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's...

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8

(Kolchak):

Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

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8

(Elbeard):

There was a bomb scare where I was today, but that’s not the bad part. Someone touched me at a...

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