Texts

Just got home. I gave him a hand job in the Panera parking lot.Yes, I know how to do it classy.

bouncy castle, drunk, in the pouring rain. get. here. NOW.

i think she just deepthroated a rosary.

damn, you'll look good in a garbage bag in the back of my car

Oh we got caught... But we ran... So I think we are ok. They told us we could get arrested... And we pulled up our pants and apologized.

Please don't ever make dead baby jokes around my parents again.

A woman in line at chik fil a just asked me to back away so her child wouldn't smell like alcohol. Its 1:30 in the afternoon

Happy father's day!! Only nine more months to go ;)

so I am pretty sure she thought about Robert Pattinson while we were getting it on.. she said "you could suck my blood anyday".. wtf!?

Everytime I walk on campus I see a giant rat. People say college is great, but I feel like I just relocated to a shanty town.