Jokes

I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that’s why I don’t eat raisins--Zach Galifinakis

I was dating a frat guy not too long ago, and my friends all said, “Don’t date a frat guy, they’re all womanizers.” And that’s so not true. The guy I dated was so sweet. He waited until the third date to lean in and rape me.--Nikki Glaser

A judge has ruled that Michael Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murray, can keep his medical license. However, he has to promise not to kill any more members of the Jackson family.—jay leno

Twitter went down for about an hour yesterday. So, for about an hour, a lot of people with nothing to do had absolutely nothing to do.—Jimmy Fallon

We were tripping on acid in the woods and we ran into a bear. My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to prevent forest fires. After we got him out of there, he said, “Man, Smokey is way more intense in person.” –Mitch Hedberg

Sarah Palin has admitted that she tried marijuana and did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions and impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will wear off one day--Jay Leno

"This is the first time that two women have been on the International Space Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing: zero-gravity pillow fight." –Craig Ferguson

"In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht." –David Letterman

The state legislature in Calif. is considering a bill that would allow electronic advertisements on license plates. That’s ridiculous! I don’t need anything else to distract me while I’m texting.--Jimmy Fallon

You don’t know anything about pain, absolutely nothing about pain, until you’ve seen your own baby drown in a bathtub. And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby. Anthony Jeselnik