CelebrityTweets

Of course gays should serve in the army. Who's better at exercising, polishing things, and making their beds really well? Nobody!

Pac-Man’s 30th birthday was marred by the sudden deportation of the Super Mario Bros. What were those fools doing in Arizona?

Sitting next to cop on a lunch date. Favorite line so far, "I would shoot more people if it weren't such a hassle". Me too, bro

The donut smuggling pockets in my new meeting pants have already paid for themselves.

I can actually feel my testosterone level plunge whenever a commercial for “Sex and the City 2” comes on TV.

Why do all of my time travel experiments end with me telling me not to do that again?

It's a little weird talking to someone w/ messed up teeth, but it's impossible to take an adult w/ braces seriously.

Ahmadinejad hates gays, Jews, the US, nice parts of the Koran, women, freedom and nuke inspections. But I hear he loves Nickelback.

I wanna party with that Van Der Sloot dude!

The weight limit sign on elevators should just say, "Stare at the fat guy!"