Bad

Wow!

"The plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they're going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore." —Bill Maher

Here in LA you can tell when someone is eating the hot Mexican food because they start sweating Botox. –Craig Ferguson

Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger
than your brother's."

(Friedmanjon):
When I go on dates I ask for separate checks. I still pay for everything, I just want her to see what it would've cost her.

(Robhuebel):
It is very hard to flirt with a girl at the drugstore who is buying a pregnancy test. I see that now.

(Blueyesbrunet):
If I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

(5tevenw):
I got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.