Top Five Texts More »

(925):

I just got 23 minutes into doomsday preppers before I realized that it was NOT about hella spicy peppers. I'm way too high.

(803):

Kevin is finally cleaning his room and he found a dried human turd. He's only "pretty sure" he did it.

(763):

It was like you were trying to communicate using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a foreign language

(239):

eating choco chips out of a cereal bowl with a spoon, and I think his dog is licking my toes. Super high.

(713):

If you can sneak a six pack into the movie theatre, I'm sure you can smuggle some pee to your drug test

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Top Five CelebrityTweets More »

(BoBurnham):
Finally these poor, humble actors and actresses get to have a little time to show off! YOU DESERVE IT GUYS <3<3<3
(RainnWilson):
The Oscars would be better with Vuvuzelas.
(SarahKSilverman):
I don't think brains hear "I should get tattoo sleeves to go with my giant penis" much.
(ConanObrien):
Just saw a Jeremy Lin jersey on sale for $300. These prices are Jeremy insane! Wait… Did I do that wrong?
(MikeBirbiglia):
I don't watch NASCAR but I have a billion dollars and have murdered people.

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Top Five Tweets More »

(SuccitaM):
A coworker of mine has a brother whose birthday is 3 days before mine. CAN YOU F***ING BELIEVE THAT SH!T?! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!
(Jackie):
A lady always wears pretty pink mittens so you can't tell when she's giving you the big fat f**k-you finger.
(MarkCampbell):
You know, there was a time when the only artist played on the radio was Phil Collins, and we were content with that.
(MadameLaCoz):
"Yes, you should date! See other people! I don't love you! My handcuffs are too tight! - my boyfriend is such a kidder.
(rodneyatlarge):
Why is Chuck Norris trending on Yahoo News? Because he's freaking Chuck Norris.

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Top Five Jokes More »

(954):

Researchers in Japan are working on a new drug that could treat gambling addiction. But I’ll bet you 2-to-1 it doesn’t work.

0
(302):

The latest polls show Romney and Rick Santorum neck and neck. Not to be confused with Newt Gingrich, who is shown in the polls as chin to chin.

0
(818):

Mitt Romney has been the front-runner from day one but nobody likes Mitt Romney because he's not kooky enough.

0
(931):

President Obama talked about rising gas prices today. He focused on the positive things his administration has done when it comes to energy prices. So, in other words, it was the shortest speech he's ever given.

0
(713):

who named trojan condoms?The trojan horse entered throuh the city gates, broke open & load of little guys came out & messed up everyones day

0

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Top Five Videos More »

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