Top Five Texts More »

(614):

I’m like a super hero whose powers are sweaty palms and bad decisions!

(540):

I told my friend I couldn't dance, she responded by saying.."alcohol will teach you."

(540):

I just busted the front headlight trying to use my car to push the porch door shut because I was too drunk to get out myself

(314):

Creep from bar texted me to meet him for lunch. Noooo idea who he is, but have him in my phone as 'Never.'

(734):

I’m drunk, naked and alone in the backseat of a car parked behind what looks like the taco bell. Will you come get me?

Top Five CelebrityTweets More »

(RobHuebel):

It's pretty cute when two little kids take turns trying to pick each other up but they can't because of childhood obesity

(Badbanana ):

I'm glad that guy had the foresight to paint those dogs playing poker. Otherwise, nobody would have believed him.

(TheSulk):

I guess I shouldn't get high all the time but then I wouldn't be high all the time. You see my dilemma.

(M_Ahmadinejad):

Just got a letter from Steve Jobs. Apparently we are no longer allowed to use the letter "I" in the word "Iran" anymore.

(JimGaffigan):

Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of its breast milk!"

Top Five Tweets More »

(KellyOxford):

I don't think vomiting is a side effect of pregnancy, I think it's a side effect of knowing there's a human growing in you.

(Miss_Cook):

How do you tell someone they are a value meal away from a Hoveround and a reaching stick?

(Peteleedotnet):

I'm on my way to Williston, ND. It's the most in the middle of nowhere I've ever been. I plan to show them the iPad and claim to be Jesus

(Azbado):

I guess the plus side to the child obesity epidemic is that the kids are too fat to get stuffed in lockers now

(SucittaM):

Sometimes I think my friends are a bad influence on me. Then we all take extacy and hug for hours and I forget all about it.

Top Five Jokes More »

(641):

A man here in New York was robbed at an off-track betting parlor after cashing in a $29 thousand winning ticket. The man said it sucks to win and get absolutely nothing for it. To which horses were like, “Yeah, that must really be terrible.”--Jimmy Fallon

(618):

The maker of Botox has been ordered to pay $600 million after marketing the drug for unapproved uses. In a statement, Botox said, “Even if it's hard to tell from our expression, we are extremely disappointed by this decision."--Jimmy Fallon

(331):

Paris Hilton was arrested with cocaine and she claimed that she thought it was chewing gum. She was charged with possession of less than an ounce of common sense.--David Letterman

(917):

At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That’s not really a peace plan. That’s how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom.--Jimmy Fallon

(413):

The guy that tried to destroy David Letterman was let out of prison today. I was like, “Really? Jay Leno was in prison?” --Craig Ferguson